Google to Acquire Symbian OS from Nokia for Reported $3.14159 Billion
“Sure, it’s been immensely profitable, but we’re done,” explained Andy Rubin, VP of Engineering at Google’s soon-to-be-abandoned Android division. “We’re always reinventing everything at Google, so we might as well go out on a high note.”
Google isn’t getting out of the mobile device business, though. Instead, they are taking advantage of Nokia’s new partnership with Microsoft, by buying Nokia‘s Symbian operating system. Symbian, while rarely recognized in the United States, powered more mobile phones than any other operating system until very recently.
Google: The Joke is on Microsoft
A number of Google employees agreed that buying Symbian from Nokia was an excellent move. While none would speak with us for attribution, they expressed glee over Microsoft handing over forklifts of cash to Nokia to use its Windows Phone 7 OS, leaving Nokia to abandon Symbian.
“It [Symbian] was just sitting there, nobody wanted it anymore. Of course we bought it for three billion,” explained a former Android product manager who is now part of the new Symbian OS division. “Microsoft just wanted more sales of their silly operating system. They would have been better off buying Symbian instead of bribing Nokia to run their phone virus. But, ha ha! We got there first.”
First order of business? “We have to come up with a better name than Symbian. It sounds dirty,” he shuddered. “How about MeiGo? That stands for Microsoft Eat It, Get Out.”
The Price was High, the Pleasure was Higher
Software engineers from the former Android division were thrilled to be working on the new Symbian projects. “This stuff is even gnarlier than that Dalvik shizz,” opined Slash Gundorp, a packet sequencing specialist. “I don’t understand how they implemented Level 4, plus the source code comments are in Finnish. That means I’ve got a guaranteed job. And that means free lunch and dinner for the rest of my life.”
In unrelated news, Google also announced they would be replacing their flagship search engine with Hypercard. “You would not believe how much great tech these other corporations just leave lying around,” noted the Symbian product manager. “Plus, this is going to work great with that self-driving car thingy everyone is always talking about.”
HTC, Motorola, Samsung and LG: We’ll Make Symbian Phones, Tablets
Google’s manufacturing partners are expected to embrace the new operating system wholeheartedly. “It’s not like anyone working for them is going to come up with a better idea,” quipped Rubin.
The Android division will be formally closed on April 1st.